Am I weak? A weak character? Always indecisive and easily trampled over?

       I had literature this morning. We were discussing "Billenium" by J.G. Ballard. Analysing the characters and the story.

      Since it was a teacher to a student, there were only two view-points.  My teacher asked me "Who has a strong character, Ward or Rossiter" and I said Rossiter followed by evidence.

     Since class ended, which was an hour ago, I can't stop wondering if I'm a weak character or have weak character.

     If I compare myself with Alana, she's got more spike than I do. She fights back when she kbelieves what is right---no, thats not a good example because I do that too.. Hmm. No. Well..

... ----...

     Ah, she fights for herself. Some times I feel fooled by others. There was a time, last year, it was Dragon's birthday and I wanted to go because he's always pure hearted and always a great friend. My parents needed to go down to Singapore so, initially, I arranged with KitKat to meet up before the party then share a taxi. Then he says why don't we go with Boxer and Stradivarius, whose dad can send us. That was a better plan so I went for it.

    Morning of the party day I get a text from KitKat saying Machine called Strad asking what he's doing for the day. Strad said "Dragon's party". Machine didn't know, Strad invited him or he invited himself I cant remember and there isn't space in the small tiny car. Five of us (my little sister who wanted to come) would have been fine since we're small sized. But the rugby-sized fellow wont fit plus us.

    Yes, I was upset but what trully made me upset was when KitKat said something like"can you get your own transport there". And I'm like WTF!?? This guy who comes in last minute and you barely know gets a ride when he has a huge car and I'm kicked out!?? I mean, even Strad! What's wrong with him? He think we all can fit in that tiny car?? He couldn't even say "Dude, sorry, but my car is packed man". I was so stressed I couldn't think of another way so I told my mum Alana and I will just go to Singapore.

   When she heard the story she was upset and disappointed in Strad. So my dad said they can send us so they sent us right away. My parents got in late. Not only that but my mum's schedule was ruined. They were stuck in a bad jam and couldn't do much that night.

    Dragon was coming to get us from the car park but we were already coming out of the lift on the way to his apartment. He smiled and said "you're early". Alana and I had fun anyway. And so did Dragon.

I get that my mum thinks I shouldn't get a computer.

        But I got it already anyway. if she said she didnt want me to have one she should say so. If she cant talk to me then I cant talk to her. I dont even want to talk any more. I've already got this disease, the "anti-social" deseas

I want to study! I want to get good grades! But I'm fucking depressed!

        Yes, I used the eff word. And my parents would kill me that I used it. I do feel guilty but I already typed it. Never erase your mistakes because you wont learn from it if you do. That saying goes to life too.

         I want to go some place where I can have a small study group. Maybe that would help me. Help motivate me. I can do things on my own but is that wrong too?

Am I being selfish here? Being a bad daughter? Being a irresponsible?

       I want to study. I'm going to have to clear up under my table first I guess. I've done the top but not the bottom.

I'm depressed. Should I ignore it? Am I whining? Being spoilt? Unreasonable?

      People say God will help you and guide you. I don't know how He can help. I want to stick to my religion. But am I thinking differently that it's agaisnt my religion to think that way? Am I sinning? I love God, yes, and I dont even know why; like you love your mum or dad, sister(s) or brother(s), adoptive family, grandparents, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, who ever.

I know I'm not putting my all into my studies. But if she doesnt make limits or rules I cant help myself. I need your help! I need help..

Weekend: Sedili, check!

       After the Fun Run, we went to Sedili around 4. My parents, sisters and I along with Uncle Aziz's family booked rooms in Tanjung something Resort. Haha, sorry I cant remember the full name. It's by the seaside and the place is beautiful. Small but cute.

      We had a barbaque dinner with teachers' and office staffs' family. It was at the resort they were staying. It was a cool and chilly night but everyone had fun. They had games prepared too. Niloufer and a few teachers' husbands cooked. I just helped pass plates and more raw food to cook.

      Minutes past 10, we decided to head back to our resort because we were tired. My sisters and I had our own room. We had a shower and changed to clean clothes. We forgot to bring toothpaste so Niloufer went to Uncle Aziz's room, which was closer then my parent's, to get some. Brushed our teeth and went to bed. Niloufer was on her computer 'til late at night though.

       Next morning I woke up and saw Alana on the computer and fell asleep again. When I woke up again, she was gone. I called out to her, she didn't answer. I called out again' therewas no answer so I got up. I looked everywhere in the room and outside to check if she was sitting outside on the bench, but she wasn't.

       I decided to have a shower and search for her until I lifted up the laptop's screen. She had left a note saying she'd gone swimming. I was worried and annoyed by not putting the note in a more obvious place. So after my shower I went to the pool and there she was, with her cousins, playing.

       Had breakfast and my parents and Uncle were chatting for so long. We were there til late morning and a storm started brewing so I decided to go back to the room after it settles. I slept and Nilfer came after some time and sat outside. Well we packed first, of course. Soon it was 1 and we were heading back to JB. We got some YUMMY Keropok Lekor from the jetty on the way back. Ate the fresh-warm-yummy-licious snack. Used the old road that goes to the extremely long bridge across the water in --- was it East Asia or Asia? Never mind, we passed that and a few moments longer, we arrived home.

Weekend: Fun Run, check.

         Saturday, the whole school gathered at the Independence Park. It was eight in the morning and you could still feel moist in the air. We wore our house colours and did warm up. A few parents came to watch their kids/kid.

        Now, the thing about our school is that it is always different from other schools. While other schools race on a racing track, we race in a beautiful landscaped park. We're the first to do anything different in this state. The only one to achieve full British curriculum and Malaysian curriculum. No other international school can beat Sri Ara Schools here. We're the originals and I'm proud to be an Arain.

       This year, a government school asked to join us and we happily welcomed them. Although we were quite shy at first, we soon warmed up to them. There were four Divisions, A, B, C and D. Oldest in division A to youngest in Division D. Diffirent divisions have different lengths. Ours, A, was the longest. Obviously.

      So we raced, along with the other students. Some of them could keep up and some of them weren't used to it but they enjoyed themselves as well, which counts. I won first place I'm proud to say. I thought I wouldn't make it but I did, without any breaks and my fallen-apart shoes.

      Once all the races were finished, scores were taken down. For the first time in history, Cadmium got first place! Congratulations, Cadmium! We, Vermillion, got second place, happy that we've finally broke through Azure. Next will be the sports day, we're getting our gears on and readying ourselves for the challenge. We are going to take 1st place again!