THE FUTURE IS BEAUTIFUL. LIFE IS BRIGHT. YOU ARE THE SPARK AND YOU HOLD THE LIGHT.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

I've got everything, yet I don't feel truly happy.



I've got my studies going and I finally feel like I'm doing it because I want to, not because I have to. I've found a goal and that is to educate myself to my full potential. I want to learn as much as I can. I want to prove to myself that I am smart because I've never felt that I was good enough. Not even good enough for a guy; why would they even think of me for a second? All this time I've been trying to please my parents, teachers, etc, but its not about pleasing them, its about pleasing me!

So I've set a goal for myself. Once I'm done with my A-levels and if I still do feel strong about this one person I haven't been able to abolish from my mind for countless years, I'll maybe confess my true feelings. I've restrained myself for long enough and contemplated about it endlessly. Would it be wrong? Would it effect me or him if I do? Would I not like how it would end up? Would he not respond? Would it be selfish? Would it be so wrong on so many levels that it'll just end up horrible and weird? Unacceptable? Stupid? Would it bring back all the shame and disgrace? Would he not accept me? Would he see the better picture?

I can't take any of this much longer. It's running through my mind almost all the time now -- from rarely to seldom to occasionally to frequent to a great deal! There is a constant reminder, however, "No! Don't do it! You don't deserve him! You need to focus on getting through this than focusing on him! What will worrying about him get you? Would it bring any benefit? No! Get yourself to a better standard! Get your life in order! Train yourself to be independent! And then and only then if you feel the same way, you can go on ahead. But if you feel great without him, then forget it and move on.

So by the time this year comes to an end, and hopefully I'll get good results, I would be able to come to terms with my inner conflict. To get there though, I have to push myself to be studious, diligent, skilled, to be an all-rounder and be truly overwhelmed by my achievement. That, I feel, will be determined by the success of my studies.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

A week more to my birthday.






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I swear I could FLY!!!
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