The Airport Meet

I had an exam yesterday and stayed at Uncle Nanna's house. I was supposed to leave at 3.25pm today but the flight just kept on being delayed to an even later time. By the time I got a seat to wait at the gate, it was about 4.15pm. I can't recall every single detail but I remember the conversation I had with a random stranger.

The seats are three in a row, an elder man was resting at the right end and two seats were available so I took the left end--leaving the middle available which "normally" people don't fill up. I was surprised that this guy just walks pass me and sits between the elder man and I. At first I thought to myself "What the hell. There are so many other seats you chose this one?" Well actually, it was pretty full else where but now that I'm thinking of it, did he change place? Anyway, back to the story.

Before he sat I looked up at him and he had Chinese features; not the typical kind of look. He was sort of lean, not very tall though, mild honey skin, Chinese eyes meaning single eye-lid, sharp nose, strong chin---cute. ("OmyGod, what else did I realise?") So he's a cute Chinese, I guess I don't mind if he sits here, I thought. He sat, took out his phone and called someone for a few seconds.

What surprised me even more was that he spoke in Malay, the melodious kind which is so rare. He was so fluent that I immediately felt embarrassed because I don't speak fluent Malay. He then put down the phone to look up at the gate boards. He shifts himself to the left, brushing against my arm trying to take something from his pocket. Reminder, I was all on guard with my handbag clutched on my lap and had my backpack (full of things) in between this guy and I---yet he was able to brush against my arm. ("Whhaaat?") I tried avoid looking to the right to see what he was doing; minding my own business, but his presence was just so unavoidable.

Suddenly, he turns his head a little to ask me "Will the gate-boards change it's information?" I shift my eyes to see if he was really asking me. Seeing that he was talking to me, I answer back in Malay "Yes..".

"Are you going to Terengganu", he asks.
"Johor Bahru" I say.
"Ohh... That gate over there?" pointing to the gate on the right as the one on the left was Terengganu.
"Yes".

Both of us were silent for awhile until I ask "Where are you going", he answers casually "Kota Bharu" and looks at me. I nod my head as a sign of understanding, for some reason.

Silence again over took which felt a little awkward. A conversation left hanging in the air like that is not something I'm used to. I wanted to say I've never been there before. To strike up a conversation with an interesting-looking-guy in the airport would be once in a life time. He alternated between looking through some of his pictures with, what looked like, family members and messaging. It took me a few seconds to bring up my courage to tell him

"I've never been to Kota Bharu", the words finally came out.
He looks at me in disbelief, "Never? Really?"
"Yeah", smiling at him.

I know the rule about not talking to strangers, but I believe in taking the opportunity when your gut tells you. A few short seconds of silence because I was trying to arrange my sentence in my head. ("Hahaha")

"Which of the places are interesting?" in case I ever visit in the future. He told me of a few but not like I could really hear what he said as he spoke fairly fast. He spoke so friendly and casual though, which intrigued me.
"Ohh, Ok", nodding and smiling.

We talked more--asking each other questions and explained a little about our states. Then I finally ask him, "do you have Facebook".
"Yeah" he says and I try get his email. Meanwhile he's asking if I've got twitter and wechat, I reply with a no.
Even though he's a stranger and about my age, I knew he was a nice guy. I'm able to predict such things as that.

My disappointment though is that I failed to confirm whether I typed his email right. I don't even remember his second name and I doubt he'd even be able to find me. But his sweet warm smile is imprinted at the back of my lids and I just really hope I'll bump into him again some time. Now I have to remember, I need to retrieve more details at once with confirmation from the person I get it from.
This meet was such a pity though because I won't ever be able to bump into him again. And I liked him, thought we could be friends. :/ anyway..

I've got everything, yet I don't feel truly happy.

I've got my studies going and I finally feel like I'm doing it because I want to, not because I have to. I've found a goal and that is to educate myself to my full potential. I want to learn as much as I can. I want to prove to myself that I am smart because I've never felt that I was good enough. Not even good enough for a guy; why would they even think of me for a second? All this time I've been trying to please my parents, teachers, etc, but its not about pleasing them, its about pleasing me!

So I've set a goal for myself. Once I'm done with my A-levels and if I still do feel strong about this one person I haven't been able to abolish from my mind for countless years, I'll maybe confess my true feelings. I've restrained myself for long enough and contemplated about it endlessly. Would it be wrong? Would it effect me or him if I do? Would I not like how it would end up? Would he not respond? Would it be selfish? Would it be so wrong on so many levels that it'll just end up horrible and weird? Unacceptable? Stupid? Would it bring back all the shame and disgrace? Would he not accept me? Would he see the better picture?

I can't take any of this much longer. It's running through my mind almost all the time now -- from rarely to seldom to occasionally to frequent to a great deal! There is a constant reminder, however, "No! Don't do it! You don't deserve him! You need to focus on getting through this than focusing on him! What will worrying about him get you? Would it bring any benefit? No! Get yourself to a better standard! Get your life in order! Train yourself to be independent! And then and only then if you feel the same way, you can go on ahead. But if you feel great without him, then forget it and move on.

So by the time this year comes to an end, and hopefully I'll get good results, I would be able to come to terms with my inner conflict. To get there though, I have to push myself to be studious, diligent, skilled, to be an all-rounder and be truly overwhelmed by my achievement. That, I feel, will be determined by the success of my studies.

A week more to my birthday.

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I swear I could FLY!!!
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