I'm a fool and dumber than a blond (well I'm definitely not smart as my mum and she's a blond)

I try hard to learn from my mistakes but some times it doesnt stick to my head.
I definitely dont like getting mistakes because I dont want to feel hurt.
I dont know what to believe anymore!

I know my mum is just trying to look out for me and to make sure I'm strong. But, I just want someone who isn't family to be there for me.

A best-friend.

Some one I can rely on. I just want what every girl has, a best-friend. But apparently that's too much to ask from God.

It's not the people, I know, it's me. I don't trust anyone anymore. Or there is no one that I can talk about everything to and have random jokes and laugh so hard it makes me cry. I mean I can trust people and I talk to different friends about different things but there's always ..... restriction--boundary--a certain limitation of things that I can talk about.

I either trust to easily that in the end I get hurt or I dont trust enough that the person is hurt.

I have so many doubts. I even doubt myself, my thoughts and my own feelings. In the end, my mind is jumbled as the vines in the jungle.

That jungle effects my concentration and ability to think fast during present moments. When I want to relax and have fun I let my mind empty that I make more careless mistakes. The whole cycle repeats.

Some times I know what I do is whats best -- not for me but for others...and some times me. Then after thinking of various courses I wonder if what I do is right or wrong.

Then when my mum lectures me, which I know I should have done or should have thought through and properly but didn't, I beat myself up inside.

I get so depressed I loose appetite and energy.

I always feel weak.
Sad.
Hurt.
Stupid.
Annoyed.
Angry.
It kills me inside. I try to live anyway. Think positive. Think happy. Take it easy. Do something productive or to keep me happy. Dress up. Then I feel alright.