The Airport Meet

I had an exam yesterday and stayed at Uncle Nanna's house. I was supposed to leave at 3.25pm today but the flight just kept on being delayed to an even later time. By the time I got a seat to wait at the gate, it was about 4.15pm. I can't recall every single detail but I remember the conversation I had with a random stranger.

The seats are three in a row, an elder man was resting at the right end and two seats were available so I took the left end--leaving the middle available which "normally" people don't fill up. I was surprised that this guy just walks pass me and sits between the elder man and I. At first I thought to myself "What the hell. There are so many other seats you chose this one?" Well actually, it was pretty full else where but now that I'm thinking of it, did he change place? Anyway, back to the story.

Before he sat I looked up at him and he had Chinese features; not the typical kind of look. He was sort of lean, not very tall though, mild honey skin, Chinese eyes meaning single eye-lid, sharp nose, strong chin---cute. ("OmyGod, what else did I realise?") So he's a cute Chinese, I guess I don't mind if he sits here, I thought. He sat, took out his phone and called someone for a few seconds.

What surprised me even more was that he spoke in Malay, the melodious kind which is so rare. He was so fluent that I immediately felt embarrassed because I don't speak fluent Malay. He then put down the phone to look up at the gate boards. He shifts himself to the left, brushing against my arm trying to take something from his pocket. Reminder, I was all on guard with my handbag clutched on my lap and had my backpack (full of things) in between this guy and I---yet he was able to brush against my arm. ("Whhaaat?") I tried avoid looking to the right to see what he was doing; minding my own business, but his presence was just so unavoidable.

Suddenly, he turns his head a little to ask me "Will the gate-boards change it's information?" I shift my eyes to see if he was really asking me. Seeing that he was talking to me, I answer back in Malay "Yes..".

"Are you going to Terengganu", he asks.
"Johor Bahru" I say.
"Ohh... That gate over there?" pointing to the gate on the right as the one on the left was Terengganu.
"Yes".

Both of us were silent for awhile until I ask "Where are you going", he answers casually "Kota Bharu" and looks at me. I nod my head as a sign of understanding, for some reason.

Silence again over took which felt a little awkward. A conversation left hanging in the air like that is not something I'm used to. I wanted to say I've never been there before. To strike up a conversation with an interesting-looking-guy in the airport would be once in a life time. He alternated between looking through some of his pictures with, what looked like, family members and messaging. It took me a few seconds to bring up my courage to tell him

"I've never been to Kota Bharu", the words finally came out.
He looks at me in disbelief, "Never? Really?"
"Yeah", smiling at him.

I know the rule about not talking to strangers, but I believe in taking the opportunity when your gut tells you. A few short seconds of silence because I was trying to arrange my sentence in my head. ("Hahaha")

"Which of the places are interesting?" in case I ever visit in the future. He told me of a few but not like I could really hear what he said as he spoke fairly fast. He spoke so friendly and casual though, which intrigued me.
"Ohh, Ok", nodding and smiling.

We talked more--asking each other questions and explained a little about our states. Then I finally ask him, "do you have Facebook".
"Yeah" he says and I try get his email. Meanwhile he's asking if I've got twitter and wechat, I reply with a no.
Even though he's a stranger and about my age, I knew he was a nice guy. I'm able to predict such things as that.

My disappointment though is that I failed to confirm whether I typed his email right. I don't even remember his second name and I doubt he'd even be able to find me. But his sweet warm smile is imprinted at the back of my lids and I just really hope I'll bump into him again some time. Now I have to remember, I need to retrieve more details at once with confirmation from the person I get it from.
This meet was such a pity though because I won't ever be able to bump into him again. And I liked him, thought we could be friends. :/ anyway..

I've got everything, yet I don't feel truly happy.

I've got my studies going and I finally feel like I'm doing it because I want to, not because I have to. I've found a goal and that is to educate myself to my full potential. I want to learn as much as I can. I want to prove to myself that I am smart because I've never felt that I was good enough. Not even good enough for a guy; why would they even think of me for a second? All this time I've been trying to please my parents, teachers, etc, but its not about pleasing them, its about pleasing me!

So I've set a goal for myself. Once I'm done with my A-levels and if I still do feel strong about this one person I haven't been able to abolish from my mind for countless years, I'll maybe confess my true feelings. I've restrained myself for long enough and contemplated about it endlessly. Would it be wrong? Would it effect me or him if I do? Would I not like how it would end up? Would he not respond? Would it be selfish? Would it be so wrong on so many levels that it'll just end up horrible and weird? Unacceptable? Stupid? Would it bring back all the shame and disgrace? Would he not accept me? Would he see the better picture?

I can't take any of this much longer. It's running through my mind almost all the time now -- from rarely to seldom to occasionally to frequent to a great deal! There is a constant reminder, however, "No! Don't do it! You don't deserve him! You need to focus on getting through this than focusing on him! What will worrying about him get you? Would it bring any benefit? No! Get yourself to a better standard! Get your life in order! Train yourself to be independent! And then and only then if you feel the same way, you can go on ahead. But if you feel great without him, then forget it and move on.

So by the time this year comes to an end, and hopefully I'll get good results, I would be able to come to terms with my inner conflict. To get there though, I have to push myself to be studious, diligent, skilled, to be an all-rounder and be truly overwhelmed by my achievement. That, I feel, will be determined by the success of my studies.

A week more to my birthday.

.............................
...................
.
..................
............................
I swear I could FLY!!!
............................
.................
.
.................
...........................

Bonjour Everyone! It's been awhile!

I've been very busy with studies, family, chores, work, extra projects and all that I hadn't had time to update anything!

Well when I found this out, I wanted to share this to you and wanted to know if you would feel the same way. I have been having my English Literature lessons and learned this, which you are about to read; it's all about Life and people who are just characters of a play.

How the days stretched out – each one the same as the one before, and they would continue to do so, tediously, until the end of history. And every day we have lived has been the last day of some other fool’s life, each day a dot of candle-light showing him the way to his death- bed. Blow the short candle out: life was no more than a walking shadow – a poor actor – who goes through all the emotions in one hour on the stage and then bows out. It was a story told by an idiot, full of noise and passion, but meaningless.

A meaning I found out from a famous quote whom Shakespeare mentioned in both As You like it and Macbeth. It has a sorrow sound to it but some times if you stop to think, is that not what we do everyday? Whether we are showing our real identities or not, or even smart and intelligent or not, is that what we probably are?

Life gets you by punching you in the chest.

I had to listen to Naive by The Kooks.

For so long I haven't heard it. It surprises you that one particular song can fill you with such emotion from the past. Emotion you wish you would not have to feel yet you don't mind.

For so long I haven't felt sad as this. I've been fine on my own. I've been doing what I can to provide myself with the right things for the near future.

Protecting myself.

Yet I still feel punched right in my chest. I can't figure what's wrong with me. I do hope some fulfillment will arrive to bring me joy again. To make me feel gay once again. To make me smile again.

Again.

Radioactive - Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonix (Imagine Dragons Cover)

AMAZING! With the violin and cello, it sounds smooth and soothing

A few seconds of odd..

drip-drop. drip-drip dripdrip drip drop drippidy drop. drip drop drop.

The sound of rain outside the window. All blurry, but very clear.

This is how I feel right now

but my friend sent me a link. I forgot about this song and he reminded me. It made me smile. :))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ma9I9VBKPiw

watch it. Haha

He says I'm beautiful and why do I not think so?

............ I don't know what to say any more. I say "thank you I guess" because I don't feel beautiful just yet. I say "yet" because I'm sure one day I will feel the confidence I wish for. No hiding.

One day I'd fly amongst the clouds

Spread my wings

Lift off to the sky

In the bright cool morning

Feel the wind through me

Glide forever up there.

.........

If you were an animal.. What would you be?

This is what you get. Friends are amazing!

I went out with them on the 23rd of March. A day before my birthday to celebrate my 19th birthday.

                                       To make Memorable moments on my Last Teen Celebration.

We had fun. And I really enjoyed myself. First time going to the CC. First time going for bowling wiiiiith

                                                          MY VERY BEST FRIEND!

:)) What else? Eeeemmm... Oh!! First time staying out so late! Haha. Yes, we went to pick Sina up from work, had late dinner at McD. Bumped into Haris, who joined us again. Then hit to the cinemas to catch Warm Bodies. And it was good. It was funny. Not like the other funny zombie movie but it's good if you like love stories. There were some action scenes and they were ok..

Got back home around 1, almost 2. Felt tired but I was really happy :D

Today!!! Haha. I met up with an old friend. Old classmate. Never went out with an old friend to catch up before so I really didn't know what to do. Neither did he I guess. Hahahaha.

And we went for luuunch, taaaalked, um, watched a mooviiiiee, The Croods, which by the way, is really really good for a family watch and very funny! Went to Kinokuniya and looked at books and talked. And some where in between, we were laughing, every where. Haha. I'm glad. Did a lot of catching up and well, now we know more about each other than we did before. Haha.

Well, have to make up for the years right? Naaah, it's just fun getting to know your friends all over again. :) :D Especially if they're very nice people. :DD

Fun they say. I don't know how to have fun. I'm boring stiff!

    I'm tired. And I'm thinking negatively. I'm upset but I tell people I'm fine. Everyone's felt like that I'm sure.

    I don't want to go out tomorrow now.. But I can't do that to those who said they'll come. It's not a very nice thing to do to cancel last minute. I had thought it's not a good idea but I did it anyway to prove myself that I'm going to do some thing different for once. I wanted to and I was hoping with all my heart it would be different.

    However, Life just gives you the least and you have to learn to appreciate it. I mean, I do appreciate that some are coming and I understand why some can't come. I'm all right with it because I know, I've been one of those people.

   Maybe this is a taste of my medicine. What goes around, comes around, right?

__________________________________________________________________________________

So I'll be meeting a few of my friends in City Square at one.

Don't know what we'll do, we'll just see tomorrow.

Around a "not-so-sunny-time" we'll go to the zoo.

We'll eat Indian food. A restaurant I want to introduce to Dragon.

Cross my fingers, and hope I will have fun.

My Art Work of A Shell

My art work of a shell :))) lol. So proud even though it's not looking real-life.

Aiming to get to that standard soon! :D

Hotel Transylvania MUSIC VIDEO - Monster Remix (2012) Adam Sandler Anima...

If you haven't watched Hotel Transylvania, that's just sad. Because it has some sick songs. Plus it's funny. Though quite predictable but it's a movie! Sit back, relax and enjoy :))

WTF is wrong with EVERYbody!!?

Why can't people get the right information?? Why do people misunderstand so easily!?? I'm trying to find information and different people say different things!

I hate this! This stresses me up and puts my mood down. I was alright to a certain extent yesterday but I was 60% pissed off. I wanted to know, and still do, how I am able to sit for my exams. Whether I can sit for the first two this year and the next two next year.

So one respectable teacher says this and another person whom I'm under says that. I mean who should I believe!??

Then this morning, there's this religious event that I have to attend and I was going to wear my traditional clothing. But some people said it was today yet other people say it's next Friday.

It may seem that I'm just being, I don't know, what ever you call it, but I can't wear casual clothes for a religious event, it's rude! That is, if it were today and I wore casual clothes.

However, if it were next week and I wore my traditional clothes today but should actually be wearing it next week, I'm taking so many clothes out and there'd be a lot of washing to do.

So I followed what my mum's said. Just because of this, I had to get clothes to wear this morning since I didn't get my casual clothes ready, I was late for school.

Maybe I'm being sensitive. Or I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Maybe the worry of my exams and how I'd do is pressuring me. I need to get distinctions.

I'm trying to make better. It's hard.
I strongly feel I'm not capable of getting great results.
I can already imagine the standards of the better kids
and I'm just empty.
I'm scared.

Maybe I should say "WTF is wrong with ME"!

10 more days 'til my birthday..:(

   It's weird right? I should be excited or happy the least. But I'm not. It's not that I'm scared of getting older, or I am, only God knows.

   I'm not even planning anything. No party, no hanging out with friends.. My mum wants to take me to a concert.. but I just don't feel like it.

   I know I'm probably self-conscious about who remembers and who used to always remember and whether or not he'll still do the same thing even though he's gone away and is trying to get over me.

   I've not really appretiated it before but since he did remember and cared for me and my birthday, I started doing the same for him. But by the time I tried to make that more regularly, it's too late. He's gone. Probably forever.

   You guys out there, boys and girls, if you take a look at the people surrounding you--- look for the one who never forgets your birthday by giving you a card or birthday present. Not just wishing you happy birthday. Even if you dont quite like the present. :) Just smile and say thank you very much! And for remembering too!

Because those are the people who are true and worthy. The people who you should keep close to.

I injured my hand today. It's not bad at all.

      Just bruised. I played volleyball, had to practice serving. It's tough because with just two to three servings you're hand is already red. So we had one whole hour of practicing just that. By the time practice ended, it swelled up.

I've been putting an ice-pack on it to cool down the swelling. But bruises have come up around the wrist area. Honestly, it's fun getting active again.

     Then to relax for the evening, my mum, baby sister and I watched One Three Hill. I really love Nathan's and Haley's relationship, they're great together and Haley brings out the best of Nathan. Then there's Lucas. Haley's best friend and used-to-be-Nathan's-arch-nemesis. Who are brothers by different mothers, by the way.

     In this episode we just finished, Luke got admitted into the hospital to have surgery. He and his uncle, Keith, were on the way to fetch Karen, Luke's mum, from the airport. At a traffic light when they were making a turn, a car crashed into the passenger's/ Luke's side of the car and he was unconscious.

     A few days in a coma he finally woke up when Nathan came to see him to tell him that his best friend misses him and that she's beating herself up over the last conversation they had-- a fight about Lucas and his attitude.

You've got to watch it to fully understand it.

In the end, Haley finally visits Lucas in hospital. When she enters the room, Lucas smiles at her. She sits beside him. Without words, they look at each other. Haley tries to hold in her tears but tears escape anyway and Lucas hugs her.

     So even after all they've been through as best friends, they still forgave each other and loved each other. It shows what best friends can truly be like. Which reminds me of my old best friend.

    Even though we don't talk a lot any more, and he's gone over seas to study, and after all that we've been through, the hurt and pain we've caused each other... I still remember the joy we had. All the memories we created for each other. I miss him. I miss him a lot.

But I've let him go and he's letting me go. It's the best for us, -----or is it? I keep wondering is it worth it that how we feel about each other is ruining our friendship? Should we let that get in the way? That we don't have mutual feelings and what he wants is different from what I want.

Was it all caused by other things that went on in our lives? I can't tell any thing apart now-a-days! It's all messed up.

But then, this distance and time will help us. And time will tell if we do become best friends again or not.

Time will tell.

Why can't Life be like this?

Simple

            Life is beautiful, unique but yes, hard. It's complicated because our lives are intertwined with people's, even those we don't know, don't see, don't hear.

Ever since we're brought to Mother Earth, we always have challenges, stress, disappointments, troubles, depression. Whether we want them or not. Whether we're seven or fifty-six, it makes no difference, because we're human. And that's what makes us for who we are and what we become.

Then there's the choice of learning to take things positively or looking at the negatives, or conjuring negatives when it doesn't even exist.

However, we can't judge people because that's who they are. If we're all good people the world wouldn't be right and if we're all to be bad, the world would cease to exist. Can we help ourselves of being this way or that way?

It may seem so, but I don't believe it would be 100% ourselves. Because if it weren't for your parents, you won't be here. If it weren't for your friends or enemies, you won't be who you are. If it weren't for your good experiences and bad, you won't be what you are. But most of all, if I weren't afraid, I won't be me.

Life is hard. We make choices. Learn from our mistakes. And write your own story.

Am I weak? A weak character? Always indecisive and easily trampled over?

       I had literature this morning. We were discussing "Billenium" by J.G. Ballard. Analysing the characters and the story.

      Since it was a teacher to a student, there were only two view-points.  My teacher asked me "Who has a strong character, Ward or Rossiter" and I said Rossiter followed by evidence.

     Since class ended, which was an hour ago, I can't stop wondering if I'm a weak character or have weak character.

     If I compare myself with Alana, she's got more spike than I do. She fights back when she kbelieves what is right---no, thats not a good example because I do that too.. Hmm. No. Well..

... ----...

     Ah, she fights for herself. Some times I feel fooled by others. There was a time, last year, it was Dragon's birthday and I wanted to go because he's always pure hearted and always a great friend. My parents needed to go down to Singapore so, initially, I arranged with KitKat to meet up before the party then share a taxi. Then he says why don't we go with Boxer and Stradivarius, whose dad can send us. That was a better plan so I went for it.

    Morning of the party day I get a text from KitKat saying Machine called Strad asking what he's doing for the day. Strad said "Dragon's party". Machine didn't know, Strad invited him or he invited himself I cant remember and there isn't space in the small tiny car. Five of us (my little sister who wanted to come) would have been fine since we're small sized. But the rugby-sized fellow wont fit plus us.

    Yes, I was upset but what trully made me upset was when KitKat said something like"can you get your own transport there". And I'm like WTF!?? This guy who comes in last minute and you barely know gets a ride when he has a huge car and I'm kicked out!?? I mean, even Strad! What's wrong with him? He think we all can fit in that tiny car?? He couldn't even say "Dude, sorry, but my car is packed man". I was so stressed I couldn't think of another way so I told my mum Alana and I will just go to Singapore.

   When she heard the story she was upset and disappointed in Strad. So my dad said they can send us so they sent us right away. My parents got in late. Not only that but my mum's schedule was ruined. They were stuck in a bad jam and couldn't do much that night.

    Dragon was coming to get us from the car park but we were already coming out of the lift on the way to his apartment. He smiled and said "you're early". Alana and I had fun anyway. And so did Dragon.

I get that my mum thinks I shouldn't get a computer.

        But I got it already anyway. if she said she didnt want me to have one she should say so. If she cant talk to me then I cant talk to her. I dont even want to talk any more. I've already got this disease, the "anti-social" deseas

I want to study! I want to get good grades! But I'm fucking depressed!

        Yes, I used the eff word. And my parents would kill me that I used it. I do feel guilty but I already typed it. Never erase your mistakes because you wont learn from it if you do. That saying goes to life too.

         I want to go some place where I can have a small study group. Maybe that would help me. Help motivate me. I can do things on my own but is that wrong too?

Am I being selfish here? Being a bad daughter? Being a irresponsible?

       I want to study. I'm going to have to clear up under my table first I guess. I've done the top but not the bottom.

I'm depressed. Should I ignore it? Am I whining? Being spoilt? Unreasonable?

      People say God will help you and guide you. I don't know how He can help. I want to stick to my religion. But am I thinking differently that it's agaisnt my religion to think that way? Am I sinning? I love God, yes, and I dont even know why; like you love your mum or dad, sister(s) or brother(s), adoptive family, grandparents, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, who ever.

I know I'm not putting my all into my studies. But if she doesnt make limits or rules I cant help myself. I need your help! I need help..