I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. I'm aching but I don't want to sleep.

My eyes are about to shut but my mind does not want to sleep. I'm not satisfied. I'm not happy. I don't want this day to end coz I didn't make the best of it. Or rather I didn't enjoy it to my fullest. I'm supposed to be composing my portfolio and I've put a deadline on myself but I seem to be stupendously slow!

My mum asked me what I would want to do for my birthday which is coming up in a few weeks time and I told her I don't know. My sister asks me what do I want to study for my next level of school and I tell her I don't know. Just to get myself dressed these days to go out is becoming a challenge because I don't know what to wear.

To fill my tummy up so that it doesn't digest itself is a huge pop quiz because I don't know what to eat. To choose between two pair of earrings ends up me having to ask my mum because I don't know which one to choose. To even get myself to think what I want to do for the day drives me nuts because I can't plan my day without knowing what my mum is gonna do. And when I do or by the time I do know it's too late because it's at the last moment. If I ask her earlier even that schedule is not confirmed.

This is the worst moment in my entire life because I have never felt so lost before. And surely not knowing what I want to do kills me inside because.....it kills me inside! And when I have headaches, I'd rather be run over by a truck than have my headache because it hurts BAD. As well as this not sleeping business irritates me crazily because I wake up early and end up drowsy. WHY CAN'T I JUST GO TO BED!? But even when I do go to bed, it takes time for me to even fall asleep these days and it's annoying!

I want to cry. I don't want to be in a relationship with the person I dreamed of last night - he proposed. Freaky. Scary. Crazy. I want to find what I want to do. I want to be inspired that will last a life time. I want to aspire so that I'm happy. I want the life I have always dreamed of and I don't mean like the celebrity type, or the ragged type. I need help. Please Dear God, help me!